This is scary…

…But I’m feeling brave!

Something has been weighing on me to blog about for quite some time now. It’s taking a lot of courage to post this, but I’m done hiding myself.

I am battling major depressive disorder and severe anxiety. I’ve felt alone a lot the past couple years. I’ve felt helpless. Abandoned. Heartbroken. Defeated. Disgusting. Un-loveable. Hopeless. Undeserving. Ugly. Alone.

I have come a very long way since that summer when I was very close to giving up. But that doesn’t mean I’m all better – it means I have to work very hard EVERY SINGLE DAY to continue to get better. I’m not sure this kind of thing ever truly goes away.

I got some help, thanks to the guidance (and very firm pressure) from a far-away-friend whom I wish was my neighbor. She really picked me up and saved me, and I am going to be forever grateful to her. She’s an amazing, beautiful person.

What’s so ironic, is when you need support the most, it seems like most people pull away. That certainly contributed to my issues. My husband, while I could tell he had no idea what to do for/with me, was endlessly supportive and assuring. Without the two of them, I’m not sure I could be where I am today.

I found a lot of peace in finding God. Prayer helps tremendously. I’m so grateful to have found a church home. I’m getting better at reaching out to the right people and I’m done being ashamed of my diagnosis.

I am ME. I am exactly who I am, and I’m not going to be apologetic for it. Take it, or leave it.

My point is – when someone seems like they need it, don’t be afraid to reach out to them. Encourage. Love. Accept. Appreciate. Be kind. Kindness goes a lonnnng way. Whatever you do, try not to pull away. Don’t judge. That hurts the most.

I’m not going to be defined by my diagnosis. So here it is, all laid out for everyone to see (if they want to, that is…).

Blessed

Usually in the peacefulness that comes shortly after my youngest falls asleep, I revel in amazement at my life. If you told me 15 years ago that this would be my life now, I wouldn’t have believed you. I don’t think you can grasp just how fulfilling having a family can be until you are there. I am so grateful. I get overwhelmed with just how blessed I am. I have a wonderful, loving, hard-working, brilliant husband who is also an excellent father and defines “partner”. I have three healthy children who are so smart and compassionate and love school, church and family. I have a wonderful and supportive family. I feel so blessed to think, every SINGLE day, of how lucky I am. How lucky my children are. I had two amazing grandparents to raise me, and wonderful aunts and uncles to support me as well. When I say family, I’m also referring to my husband’s family, my “in laws” who are so much more than that phrase. We don’t have his family and my family. It’s OUR family. And for OUR amazing family, I will always be blessed by the love we share. I never would have thought, when I met him at only 14, we would share this life together. I’m endlessly grateful for every second.

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