This is scary…

…But I’m feeling brave!

Something has been weighing on me to blog about for quite some time now. It’s taking a lot of courage to post this, but I’m done hiding myself.

I am battling major depressive disorder and severe anxiety. I’ve felt alone a lot the past couple years. I’ve felt helpless. Abandoned. Heartbroken. Defeated. Disgusting. Un-loveable. Hopeless. Undeserving. Ugly. Alone.

I have come a very long way since that summer when I was very close to giving up. But that doesn’t mean I’m all better – it means I have to work very hard EVERY SINGLE DAY to continue to get better. I’m not sure this kind of thing ever truly goes away.

I got some help, thanks to the guidance (and very firm pressure) from a far-away-friend whom I wish was my neighbor. She really picked me up and saved me, and I am going to be forever grateful to her. She’s an amazing, beautiful person.

What’s so ironic, is when you need support the most, it seems like most people pull away. That certainly contributed to my issues. My husband, while I could tell he had no idea what to do for/with me, was endlessly supportive and assuring. Without the two of them, I’m not sure I could be where I am today.

I found a lot of peace in finding God. Prayer helps tremendously. I’m so grateful to have found a church home. I’m getting better at reaching out to the right people and I’m done being ashamed of my diagnosis.

I am ME. I am exactly who I am, and I’m not going to be apologetic for it. Take it, or leave it.

My point is – when someone seems like they need it, don’t be afraid to reach out to them. Encourage. Love. Accept. Appreciate. Be kind. Kindness goes a lonnnng way. Whatever you do, try not to pull away. Don’t judge. That hurts the most.

I’m not going to be defined by my diagnosis. So here it is, all laid out for everyone to see (if they want to, that is…).

Organic Olive Oil Mayonnaise

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Using organic ingredients will equal organic product, so use whatever you like – all organic, some organic or none! 🙂

3 organic egg yolks* – at room temperature (approx 30 minutes)
1 1/2 tsp organic mustard (you can use deli mustard if you like)
2 1/2 C organic cold-pressed olive oil, divided
3/4 C sunflower oil
1 tsp apple cider or white wine vinegar
2 tsp lemon juice
1 tsp fine ground sea salt (more or less to taste – you may want to start out with 1/2 tsp, especially if you use table salt)
1/4 tsp pepper (white, but I ran out so I used black – it was fine!)
approx 2 tsp crushed/minced garlic – I buy the crushed garlic at Trader Joe’s – LOVE it. (this is to taste as well – you can omit if you aren’t a garlic fan!)

Disclaimer: *Raw egg is not recommended for infants, the elderly, pregnant women, and people with weakened immune systems. To avoid the risk of salmonella infection, you can use pasteurized egg yolk instead.

Combine egg yolks, mustard, vinegar, lemon juice, garlic, salt and pepper together. Whisk until blended thoroughly.

Whisking constantly, add 1/4 cup of olive oil a few drops at a time (I use a 1/2 teaspoon measure to ensure I don’t go too fast). This should take around 4 minutes. Whisking constantly, slowly add remaining oil in a slow, steady stream until it thickens – about 8-10 minutes. Cover and chill for about an hour. You can make this a couple days in advance if it’s for a special recipe (see my homemade ranch dressing post!) or make it the night before needed (that’s usually what I do!).

I really thought mayonnaise would be one of the hardest things to make – I was impressed with the ease of making it – it just takes a bit of time and a labor of love! 🙂

**Note – I have tried to make this in my stand mixer with the whisk attached – it wouldn’t work – I had to hand whisk it to fix it! 🙂 Please let me know if you have any questions.

~Kit